I do not do well with awkward interactions in small spaces. For example, entering (and riding) a crowded elevator, or sitting in a waiting room at the doctors office. It just makes me uncomfortable and uneasy. The train is no different. Picture this; You're sitting down in a crowded train, or even worse, a not so crowded train, minding your own business, when someone sits directly across from you. Now, most people will just take out their phone, or read a book, but you know what is the worst kind of person? The kind of person who does neither of those things and decides to look directly at you and just sit there the whole train ride. It's like they want you to feel uncomfortable and awkward. Sure, I can just look at my phone or read my book, but you can feel their eyes staring you down, daring you to look up at them. Ocassinally you will forget about this annoying situation, but as soon as you go to look up, BOOM, you're eyes meet theirs and that wave of awkwardness hits you like a brick. You even try to look away but no matter what you feel that person's eyes on you like the Mona Lisa. Then crazy thoughts start going through your mind. Is this person going to follow me once I get off the train? Maybe they think I'm cute? Are they even paying attention to me or are they actually sleeping with their eyes open? Now in reality, I know I am the crazy one and I am just being dramatic, but staring makes me uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if everyone on the train would just ignore me and pretend I wasn't even there. That would be my perfect train ride.
It's called the red line. If you are taking the train between 5pm and 6pm on a weekday, you need to prepare yourself for the ride from hell. It's not horrible all the time, but when you hear that dreaded announcement "We are experiencing minor/major delays due to a disabled train at fill in the blank station", you know it is going to be a shit show trying to get on that train.
When the train finally rolls up and the doors open up, you know you're about to get really friendly with all the people on that train. People are already squished like sardines in the cart, but what's a few more people? You're literally fighting for your life getting on that train. You may need to use an elbow or two, but no matter what you have to get on there because you don;t no how much longer it will be for another one. (Even though it's usually only a few minutes or so). A little advice, try and get as far in to the train as possible so at the next stop you don't get thrown around by the people rushing out.
As soon as you think you can't possible fit more bodies in this cart, there is always that one asshole who starts yelling at everyone to push in so he can get on. It's actually hilarious trying to watch some people morph their bodies in crazy ways to fit in the train before the doors shut. It's even funnies watching the doors shut and everyone yelling and pushing the person off the train so we can get moving. Honestly this is just another Tuesday night coming home from Boston.
I am a firm believe that it is better to stand on the train than sit. If you have read my previous blog post you will understand. The people that sit are the worst. They don't want to be inconvenienced at all. My number one pet peeve of all time on the train is when someone is sitting down and you are standing in front of them on a crowded train and they stand up before they even reach their stop. Some people even stand up and don't move so then you awkwardly have to stand facing them, not able to move until the train stops. The reason I can't move is because I am holding onto the pole so I don't fall over when the train jolts to a stop. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but if you have ever taken the train when it is crowded, you know that not holding onto the pole is a scary situation. What even is the point of standing up before the train stops anyways!? I literally do not understand. It's not going to make you get off the train any faster. It's not going to get you ahead of everyone. There are plenty of other people getting off at that stop to. The doors aren't going to shut in 5 seconds. Relax. The driver knows enough to stop the train and give people enough time to get out, especially when it is rush hour in the morning. These people are just as bad as the people that need to be first to get onto the train and then stand right in front of the door so that they can get off first. Some of the meanest and rudest people I have ever encountered has been on the red line. It is a crazy place.
There is always that one couple on the train. No matter what time of day it is or how crowded it is, they need to make sure they are kissing and touching and whispering things in each others ear. I don't know about you but I think the train is one of the least sexiest places in the world. Like there is nothing that turns me on less than being in a confined place with lots of smelly, crazy people. Normally, I just ignore these people but the other day there was no escape to this couple in love.
When I walked in the train, the girl was hugging her boyfriend and rubbing her head into his chest, a little weird, but I could deal with it. Every few seconds she would look up at him and kiss his lips or his cheek or his neck. In between kisses he would whisper in her ear and she would begin to rub her face into his chest. It was starting to get unreal. Luckily, the train driver was crazy, so the train kept jolting and stopping ever few minutes. There was a huge jolt and all of the sudden the girl fell over in the seat behind her. She decided to just sit down at this point.
Just when I think its over, the boyfriend goes to take her hand and just starts kissing it and rubbing it with her fingers. Then he begins to stroke her arm. Eventually the girl, just fell asleep as the boyfriend continued to stroke her arm. He even leaned over and started kissing her arm until he made it to her mouth. He was basically leaned over making out with her, which obviously woke her up. It was gross. Now I don't mind PDA, but if you're doing it on the train, I probably hate you.
The train rolls up to JFK station. The trains crowded, but can easily fit a few more people. This women walks on the train with her 3 year old (total guess) daughter. She stops right in front of the door and then sits on the ground. Yes, not in a seat. The ground of the train. The one everyone walks and stands on. The one that probably has like a million germs. The one where I'm sure a homeless person has peed. Instantly like 3 people ask if she wants to take their seat because she was SITTING ON THE GROUND. Not only on the ground but right in front of the doors where everyone gets out. I could tell this was not only stressing me out but many other people on the train. She politely said, "oh no thanks, we are getting off at the next stop". Then her 3 year old daughter starts crawling around on the ground playing with her toys. Remember its crowded on the train and literally every single person but this mom was having a heart attack watching this scene unfold. Finally, we reach Quincy Center and of course everyone is bursting to get out. A few people must have stepped on her because she started screaming at this guy telling him to chill out and wait until she gets up to let people out. I have never seen a man look so scared in his life. The whole ride this women didn't seem to give a shit about anything and then BOOM she blows up like a firework on the fourth of July. Unreal. You think you have seen it all, until you see a grown women sit on the floor of the train. I pray that she went home and washed her whole body and her daughters in a bottle of that dove body wash.
I happened to get a seat on the commute home. This never happens. It's like I had won the lottery. Sadly, this excitement came to a quick end. The lady to the right of me sat right down a few seconds after me and started eating a cheeseburger. I honestly cannot understand why people eat on the train. Like how do you even do it with so many people around and the train jolting every five seconds? Anyways, the ketchup from the burger was dripping all over her pants. She loved it though because then she would take a french fry and scoop it right off her jeans. What. At this point no one was sitting next to me until we got to South Station. All of the sudden the 15 year old kid you have ever seen sits down next to me. He was way too cool for headphones, so he decide to blast his rap music. Well I had my headphones in and all I could hear was his music. He also reeked of weed. I actually felt less cool sitting next to him. All I kept thinking was thank god the cheeseburger lady finished her dinner. Lesson 1 of riding the train: always stand, never sit. It is safer. It also allows you to make a quick escape from any crazy situation.
The train is already a disgusting place. There are germs everywhere. I always cringe when I go to hold onto the poll or sit down in the seat. There is nothing you can do about it but wash your hands immediately after getting off the train. You can control your sneezing though.
I honestly don't think that people riding on the train know how to cover their nose and mouth when they sneeze. I think they think "Oh well this place is already gross so what's some more germs in here". No. NO. Cover your mouth. Just cover everything while you're at it. I don't even want you to touch me, never mind spray your mucus all over me. The other day, I am standing on the train, just minding my own business reading an article. All of the sudden the lady sitting in front of me sneezes and it goes all over me. NO JOKE. Once is bad enough, but then she does it AGAIN. She wipes her nose and then went back to reading her kindle. How about saying, "ohh excuse me" or "I'm sorry about that". No. Literally, she doesn't give a shit what-so-ever. I could have cried in that moment. Like what was I supposed to do after it happened? Run out of the train. Yell at her? I couldn't do that, because then the rest of the ride would have been so awkward. Instead I stood there in silence and cried internally.
If you've ever waited for the red line at downtown crossing then you most definitely have run into the Bible Whisperer. That isn't actually his name, but that is what I will be referring to him as. Picture a crowded platform. It's dark, dingy, hot. All you want to do is get home, but the train isn't arriving for 8 minutes. 8 minutes doesn't seem like a long time, but it is an eternity down there. Then in the distance you can hear a man screaming. You honestly have no idea what he is saying but you pray he is not coming near you. Within minutes the Bible Whisperer is standing right behind you. He isn't whispering either. He is screaming bible verses. You don't want to look, in fear of him actually coming over to talk to you. You have to look though. He is dressed in a black robe with a huge gold cross around his neck. He also has a sign hanging from him that says "Jesus loves you". The train pulls up. Thank God! (Maybe Jesus does love me). Except wait, lucky you, the Bible Whisperer gets on the train car you're getting into. Not only is it the same car, but he decides to stand right behind you. He proceeds to yell gospel versus. Just when you think it can't get any worse, he starts to sing. At this point you are literally praying he stops. Of course there is always that one person that can't leave him alone. They need to comment and give their opinion on God. Luckily, the Bible Whisperer does't care and proceeds to sing, this time even louder.. While this ever end? You reach South Station and Bible Whisperer gets off. From the window you can see him run onto the next car to preach to the next group of unlucky people. At least its over, for now.
I haven't seen the Bible Whisperer in awhile, but when I do I try to stay as far away from him as I can. Everyone usually just rolls their eyes and ignores him, but I always feels super uncomfortable the whole time he is around. I just want people to leave me alone. Please sing your gospel songs and prayers somewhere else.